All the terrible people are happy today. Robert Kraft is happy, and presumably has a low arm wrapped around an auto show model, because another ring only further burnishes his title of King Of All Owners. Tom Brady is happy because he gets to frame himself as an underdog who overcame impossible odds despite being a wealthy, handsome, world-class athlete who has unrivaled accomplishments and is married to an even wealthier supermodel. Bill Belichick is happy this morning, which is probably unbearable for him. I bet he treated himself to a Belgian waffle before putting his Game Frown on and heading back to his precious tape mines for another season. Brian Flores is happy because he gets to bask in the glow of a championship before going to Miami and quickly realizing he’s in way over his head.
Jim Nantz is happy because the Official Team Of Vineyard Vines won it all yet again, and because he’s another day closer to eating cheese sandwiches at Augusta, and because he got to pimp out Brady’s horseshit narrative about the Pats sticking it to the doubters because Jim Nantz thrives in an access economy and he’ll gladly spew out whatever sewage that economy ladles into his waiting hands. All last week, this was a game in desperate search of greater meaning, and now people like Nantz will be left to wring even more contrived and false narratives out of its pointless outcome.
They’re all happy. The President is happy because he’ll get to “treat” his favorite pet title team to a buffet of White Castle and brag online about how he’s played golf with 60 percent of them. Julian Edelman is happy because he has an MVP and now has license to ride Tom Brady’s coattails all the way to the ******* grave, where he’ll be buried alive alongside him. Gronk is happy because Gronk is always happy and that’s supposed to make ME happy even though his act wore thin 67 injuries ago. He’s now free to retire and go star in direct-to-Netflix chopsocky movies that will prove even duller than what transpired last night. Jon Bon Jovi is happy, which is too bad because his band is ******* awful.
Bill Simmons is happy because he gets to be like “Why was I the only one talking about how much potential this team had?” before embarking on a 30-part podcast series about Bruce Willis’ performance in Color of Night. Terminal shitbag Dave Portnoy is happy because, in his Aqua Velva universe, another Pats victory means he gets to grant himself permission to pathologically harass roughly 200 new women. He also managed to get performatively ejected from the Super Bowl, a limp stunt that will only enhance the imaginary buyout value of Barstool—the FuckJerry of sports sites—before all the VC bros bail and he films himself laying off 300 employees by ambushing them in the shower with the news. In fact, many of the remaining members of the national media are happy today because ******* 80 percent of them root for this team.
Yes, it’s a great day for unrepentant ******** all over the nation. For all the good and honest citizens, it’s puke. It’s a sixth loaf-shaped turd plopping directly into the punch bowl.
