SNS or SNL?
AP, Pittsburgh
Gregg Wigen Reporting
In dire straits, the Pittsburgh Steelers signed two homeless men off waivers today to serve as emergency cornerbacks for this Sunday's game against the San Francisco 49rs. Sound Crazy? It just may be. But, Keith Butler is used to thinking outside the box. Last week he introduced the world to the "Naked Gronk" cover 0 defense. Technically it wasn't a new defense. Colleges across the country have seen the naked Gronk for some time. While the defense was not entirely successful, it was innovative.
Now, Butler is working out two homeless men with the practice squad. At first it looked as though the experiment would be a dismal failure. That wasn't surprising to most of the veteran team members who have spent most of their lives playing football, but then Matt Spaeth did something amazing. He caught a football. Almost immediately one of the hobos brought him down in a violent collision that caused some concern for the medical team. The coaches were baffled about the sudden turnaround. Then it was discovered that Spaeth had some hamburger grease leftover on his shirt underneath his jersey from lunch. The hobo, like an apocalyptic zombie was homing in on his next meal.
Butler began experimenting. He sprayed hamburger grease over some free agent receivers and running backs. Two of them were admitted into emergency care and another simply was eaten alive. But that was only the beginning. Butler next experimented with vodka. A new batch of free agents were secretly sprayed with minute amounts of odorless vodka then sent on different receiving routes or running routes with the ball. The carnage was unspeakable. Veteran linemen were unprepared for the bull-rush that was produced by a 96 lb hobo charging toward a free agent running back who had a few milliliters of vodka discretely spilled on his jersey. One lineman's back is currently mis-aligned and it is hoped that he will make a full recovery. The running back's family has been notified and the Steelers are sorry for their loss.
It's unclear whether or not Butler will be able to use the new cornerbacks in live action. Without the incentives, they are terrible, and with them, they're actually lethal. This has brought up some really difficult moral dilemmas for the coaching staff in a time of difficulty when the roster is so depleted of healthy players.
In other news, the Patriots have shown great interest in a trade for two unnamed cornerbacks currently on the Steeler roster.
