- Joined
- Jun 10, 2014
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Wig: Hey, good to be back. It's been quite some time since I've done an interview but we've got a need here! The team is 3-2 but it's playing as sporadically as we've seen it in years. So it seemed like it was time to get back on the horse, so I could lead the horse to water. Cause I've been through the desert on a horse with no name and it felt good to get out of the rain - but that was a horse of a different color. So, even though I love my Steelers, I'm going to have to look this gift horse in the mouth. I know that may make me look like a horse's ***. However I gotta make this horse drink! You go ahead and bet on the bob-tailed nag and I'll bet on the bay. Cause the Camptown ladies sing this song Dude. Ah, if I were going to give you a tip it would be not to bet on the horses. But we all want to bet on the Steelers vs the Browns so let's get this interview underway!
Coach T: Young man, you must have quite a pedigree. The way you speak conveys a sense of urgency that we respect. I own that, obviously. Do you want a job here?
Wig: Actually I don't have any reasonable football qualifications beyond being an enthusiastic fan.
Coach T: Obviously, you own that. But I don't need you to do anything differently. What I need you to do is to continue working at exactly what your doing in exactly the same way but I expect you to have more desireable results, if you will.
Wig: But if I don't do anything differently, how will I get different results?
Coach T: Popcorn, if you will.
Wig: Could I just ask you some questions now? Would that be alright?
Coach T: It's all good. But I have to let you know, we will NOT be trading jerseys after this interview. That's one of the harsh punitative measures I have taken to mold this group of fine young men into the pedigreed champions they know they can be obviously.
Wig: I don't have a jersey.
Coach T: Do you want one? Yo, Zo Dog - Give the Wig man a jersey but keep it discreet.
Wig: So, there have been some discussions about your comment that you "wished" the team had run more in the red zone. As the head coach isn't it your perogative to direct the offensive staff to dial up some runs in specific situations in the game?
Coach T: We accept that. We have to do better. This is a mans game and we're not going to make excuses. It's a fine line, obviously. And when two opposing forces meet, if you will, there's going to be an outcome of equivalent destructive force. Obviously.
Wig: You know that doesn't mean anything, right?
Coach T: No, in the end it doesn't mean anything, obviously. We hold ourselves to a standard. And the standard is the standard and you try to play above the line. But sometimes the line isn't on a markerboard where coaches talk, it's in chalk on a field where men with pedigrees and heart lay exhausted on the field of battle and whether they were victorious or if they stumbled in defeat if you will, they still had a dream.
Wig: OK. did you just badly misquote Lombardi AND Martin Luther King while still saying nothing and avoiding answering a question?
Coach T: Zo-Dog, we're not trading jerseys. Take that back immediately.
Wig: The question is simple. Why did you not over-rule Haley and have the offense run in the endzone last week if that's what you truly wanted them to do?
Coach T: I don't expect you to understand the travails and hardships of professional football. The fact is there comes a time in every game when you have to do a gut-check if you will. There's a moment of intestinal fortitude where you have to pass a test obviously. When that moment comes you take your test and it's pass or fail and whether you wish on a star or buy a pocket full of magic beans you have to do what has to be done if you will.
Wig: Alright, I don't know if I should interpret that as a decision to try to prove that the offense could score on the Jags by passing or that there was a real fear that the Steelers couldn't run in the red-zone agains the Jaguars. This intestinal fortitude and gut-check, are you meaning you wanted to impose your will or that you were afraid to try to run into the defensive front? I'm confused?
Coach T: I don't know how I can be any clearer. A bunch of the guys had problems with the loose bowels. A bunch of the team was out partying the night before and frankly alot of them had the ***** throughout most of the game man. You know... Gut-check. Intestinal Fortitude... Pocket full of magic beans? Do you even speak English?
Wig: Wait, so you had a bunch of players out partying the night before the game and you didn't reprimand, bench or fine any of them?
Coach T: Oh, c'mon man. They sent a bunch of selfies. The punter was so funny. I don't remember that cat's name, but you put a couple shots of jaeger in him and he's easy as hell to bring under contract next year.
Wig: Do you have any control over this team whatsoever?
Coach T: Absolutely. For example. When we order pizza, I make sure they always get at least one cheese pizza for me. Period. I accept that. If you will.
Wig: So you've got the Browns game coming up. They've been playing better and almost came back and beat the Steelers at home last time after falling behind huge in the first half. Any plans on how you're going to deal with them differently this time?
Coach T: Well, first off we don't believe in "dealing with them differently". What we like to do is approach every game exactly the same. In fact, we treat practice as a formality, if you will. Obviously we believe that camraderie and pedigree will take this team past our opponents. In the past we've fallen short of the expectations of our fans and our owners.
Wig: Yes... And?
Coach T: Oh? And so we embrace that. We acknowledge that.
Wig: So, you've failed and you know it...?
Coach T: Obviously, if you will.
Wig: Then how the hell do you expect to STOP failing and start moving forward in a positive direction?
Coach T: POPCORN!
Coach T: Young man, you must have quite a pedigree. The way you speak conveys a sense of urgency that we respect. I own that, obviously. Do you want a job here?
Wig: Actually I don't have any reasonable football qualifications beyond being an enthusiastic fan.
Coach T: Obviously, you own that. But I don't need you to do anything differently. What I need you to do is to continue working at exactly what your doing in exactly the same way but I expect you to have more desireable results, if you will.
Wig: But if I don't do anything differently, how will I get different results?
Coach T: Popcorn, if you will.
Wig: Could I just ask you some questions now? Would that be alright?
Coach T: It's all good. But I have to let you know, we will NOT be trading jerseys after this interview. That's one of the harsh punitative measures I have taken to mold this group of fine young men into the pedigreed champions they know they can be obviously.
Wig: I don't have a jersey.
Coach T: Do you want one? Yo, Zo Dog - Give the Wig man a jersey but keep it discreet.
Wig: So, there have been some discussions about your comment that you "wished" the team had run more in the red zone. As the head coach isn't it your perogative to direct the offensive staff to dial up some runs in specific situations in the game?
Coach T: We accept that. We have to do better. This is a mans game and we're not going to make excuses. It's a fine line, obviously. And when two opposing forces meet, if you will, there's going to be an outcome of equivalent destructive force. Obviously.
Wig: You know that doesn't mean anything, right?
Coach T: No, in the end it doesn't mean anything, obviously. We hold ourselves to a standard. And the standard is the standard and you try to play above the line. But sometimes the line isn't on a markerboard where coaches talk, it's in chalk on a field where men with pedigrees and heart lay exhausted on the field of battle and whether they were victorious or if they stumbled in defeat if you will, they still had a dream.
Wig: OK. did you just badly misquote Lombardi AND Martin Luther King while still saying nothing and avoiding answering a question?
Coach T: Zo-Dog, we're not trading jerseys. Take that back immediately.
Wig: The question is simple. Why did you not over-rule Haley and have the offense run in the endzone last week if that's what you truly wanted them to do?
Coach T: I don't expect you to understand the travails and hardships of professional football. The fact is there comes a time in every game when you have to do a gut-check if you will. There's a moment of intestinal fortitude where you have to pass a test obviously. When that moment comes you take your test and it's pass or fail and whether you wish on a star or buy a pocket full of magic beans you have to do what has to be done if you will.
Wig: Alright, I don't know if I should interpret that as a decision to try to prove that the offense could score on the Jags by passing or that there was a real fear that the Steelers couldn't run in the red-zone agains the Jaguars. This intestinal fortitude and gut-check, are you meaning you wanted to impose your will or that you were afraid to try to run into the defensive front? I'm confused?
Coach T: I don't know how I can be any clearer. A bunch of the guys had problems with the loose bowels. A bunch of the team was out partying the night before and frankly alot of them had the ***** throughout most of the game man. You know... Gut-check. Intestinal Fortitude... Pocket full of magic beans? Do you even speak English?
Wig: Wait, so you had a bunch of players out partying the night before the game and you didn't reprimand, bench or fine any of them?
Coach T: Oh, c'mon man. They sent a bunch of selfies. The punter was so funny. I don't remember that cat's name, but you put a couple shots of jaeger in him and he's easy as hell to bring under contract next year.
Wig: Do you have any control over this team whatsoever?
Coach T: Absolutely. For example. When we order pizza, I make sure they always get at least one cheese pizza for me. Period. I accept that. If you will.
Wig: So you've got the Browns game coming up. They've been playing better and almost came back and beat the Steelers at home last time after falling behind huge in the first half. Any plans on how you're going to deal with them differently this time?
Coach T: Well, first off we don't believe in "dealing with them differently". What we like to do is approach every game exactly the same. In fact, we treat practice as a formality, if you will. Obviously we believe that camraderie and pedigree will take this team past our opponents. In the past we've fallen short of the expectations of our fans and our owners.
Wig: Yes... And?
Coach T: Oh? And so we embrace that. We acknowledge that.
Wig: So, you've failed and you know it...?
Coach T: Obviously, if you will.
Wig: Then how the hell do you expect to STOP failing and start moving forward in a positive direction?
Coach T: POPCORN!
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