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Ban high capacity assault sandwiches!!!

Djfan

Djfan

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You'll have to pry this sandwich from my cold dead lifeless fingers....Unless it's a Subway and the you can have the ******
 
Wearing shorts from the 1970's, a pink shirt and a throwing arm to rival Obama's tells all you need to know about this individual.
 

JB Pritzker Joins Police Force In Hopes Of Getting Sandwich Thrown At Him​

U.S.· Aug 14, 2025 · BabylonBee.com
Image for article: JB Pritzker Joins Police Force In Hopes Of Getting Sandwich Thrown At Him



WASHINGTON, D.C. — Illinois Governor JB Pritzker reportedly joined the fray as a law enforcement officer in the nation's capital in hopes of getting a sandwich thrown at him.

Sources said the governor sprang into action today after hearing that a federal officer was assaulted by a man who threw a Subway sandwich at him during a confrontation, joining the D.C. Police Department and requesting immediate duty.

"Oh man, I've got to get down there right away," Pritzker reportedly said after seeing the viral video of a man assaulting a Customs and Border Protection agent with a subway sandwich. "Baxter, hold all my calls. Tell them I'm on an extended lunch!"

Pritzker bravely volunteered to jump in front of any sandwiches hurled by protesters. "I support President Trump's mission and will eat as many sandwiches as it takes to see it accomplished," he said. "Whatever it takes."

President Trump welcomed Pritzker's support, calling him the bravest fat man he's ever seen. "I'm not a big fan of fat people, but Pritzker's changing my mind," Trump told reporters. "I used to think Santa was the only fat man who could get things done, but JB really loves sandwiches. We've found some common ground, and I think this experience will really feed his desire to make America great again."

According to sources, while Pritzker isn't a particularly big fan of Subway, he will take whatever he can get. "I love food," he said.

At publishing time, traffic had been diverted away from Dupont Circle when JB Pritzker suffered a heart attack and collapsed, blocking the four-lane roundabout with his body.
 
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No problem throwing a Subway sammich. Had it been a Rueben sammich.....jail time!
 

Man Tells Subway Worker He's Looking For Something With Stopping Power That's Compact And Easy To Conceal​

U.S.·Aug 15, 2025 · BabylonBee.com
Image for article: Man Tells Subway Worker He's Looking For Something With Stopping Power That's Compact And Easy To Conceal





WASHINGTON, D.C. — An unidentified man at a local Subway location was seen asking the Sandwich Artist on duty if they had a sandwich that has good stopping power that's also compact and easy to conceal.

The customer arrived at the restaurant and reportedly asked the worker behind the counter if she had anything that would be effective for home defense.

"I'm looking for something lightweight and easy to conceal that I can still pull out in a pinch to stop a threat," the man reportedly said. "Something manageable that won't kick too hard but has sufficient stopping power."

"No olives," he added.

According to Subway, several customers had changed the way they shop for sandwiches, prioritizing accuracy and reliability over flavor. Sandwich Artists have had a hard time keeping up with demand.

"We have, uh, we have our famous Cold Cut Combo. That's good for any occasion. But the Subway Club has a little more bite to it. Is that what you mean?" Nancy Roast, the Sandwich Artist on duty, asked.

The interaction lasted approximately five minutes, with the unidentified customer questioning the durability and carrying capacity of the meatball sub. "Do you sell extra meatballs?" he asked. "What if I'm surrounded and, uh, I run out of meatballs?"

At publishing time, the local Subway branch was shut down pending an investigation after a Subway sandwich sold at the location was involved in a crime.
Click to expand...
 
Can you imagine the guy explaining to his next boss exactly why he lost his last job?.
 
BLITZ said:
Can you imagine the guy explaining to his next boss exactly why he lost his last job?.
Click to expand...
He won't have to explain it. He's famous now.
 
Saw this on fakebook - Federal agents were heckled by a morbidly obese mob in DC. One agent responded by telling a fat liberal to “eat a salad."

I commented that no one in that crowd was throwing their sandwiches.
 
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